Thursday, March 13, 2008

"Flying Free"

...one of the most important entries in the "Dragonforce Epic Lyric Rhyming Dictionary." Who doesn't like Dragonforce? I defy you to make a case against the emotional journey and catharsis that a fast-as-holy-fuck guitar solo, wrapped in the framework of fight-training montage music, takes you on.

In my past life as a call center phone jockey for CCS (that ungodly skateboard and related paraphernalia train wreck) I was at ground zero of the life altering invention of the Osiris G-Bag. For those who know not what this apex of innovation, this perfect marriage of form and function is, I shall illuminate. Wait for it... wet your lips with anticipation... the Osiris G-Bag is a backpack with speakers sewn into the frame, connected to a pocket where one can place a portable compact disk player (this was early 2000, when the ipod was still reserved for crack-pots who felt that having 28 billion mp3s was far superior to carrying around a ten pound CD binder). Thus, you could pump your tunes out loud, for the edification of all who wander into the sphere of you and your G-Bag.

To my eternal discredit, I never bought one, and now I am incapable of conveniently thrusting my speed-metal soundtrack onto unsuspecting victims at the bus stop. How are they all supposed to know how bad-ass I am without hearing passionately screeched lyrics about flying over mountains and fighting for truth, and dulcet tones blistering forth from gods own guitar at ten thousand beats-per-minute.

I mean, I could just say it out loud, but without the background music I would just look like a jack-ass, and I don't want that. Fact: women will not sleep with a jack-ass unless they are browbeaten into submission by his way-cool theme song.

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